Wednesday, September 24, 2003
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche
MFL has been giving me the cold shoulder for the past two days, so life has been even harder to bear than usual.
its kinda scary but i can't seem to go thru a single day without thinking of killing myself. the problem for me is not so much that i couldn't do it to myself - cos i would, in a second, if i could - but more that i want to plan it properly and not do a botch job. I mean most people, especially girls, try to commit suicide with the aim of just that - trying. they want it to be seen as a cry for help, so that ppl realise that there is a problem - they don't really want to die. that's why they use weak-ass methods like slitting their wrists or taking overdoses or even jumping off builidngs which are just way too short. I mean, they can't even slit their wrists the rite way - u have to cut along the length of the vein, longitudunally rather than across it, and it helps if u do it in the bath as this slows the blood clotting. Lights off is also better so that u don't realise how gory it all is.
when i kill myself, i'm going to do it properly - i'll either jump off a building or hang myself. it would actually be easiest for me to jump onto the train tracks (cos i catch the train twice everyday), but that's slack to other commuters cos it would cause delays and also i wouldn't want anyone to have to scrape my flesh off the tracks. i gotta find a site which can teach me the hangman's noose - there used to be a book of knots at my high school which had several variations of it, but i couldn't borrow it cos it was too obvious. i actually think that jumping would be really fun (at least for the few seconds before u hit the ground), but i'm not sure how high the building needs to be. there used to be a really indepth site which told u how far the jump had to be according to ur bodyweight, but i think its been shut down, which is a pity. it was a very useful site.
my sister told m today that the best revenge u could ever inflict on sumone was to commit suicide and write a horrendous note blaming everything on one person. imagine how bad they'd feel. payback's a bitch, mate. ah, i can imagine it now... i've been composing a suicide note in my head for the past few weeks. but then again, i also find them quite tacky. i'm not sure if i will write one or not.
Friedrich Nietzsche
MFL has been giving me the cold shoulder for the past two days, so life has been even harder to bear than usual.
its kinda scary but i can't seem to go thru a single day without thinking of killing myself. the problem for me is not so much that i couldn't do it to myself - cos i would, in a second, if i could - but more that i want to plan it properly and not do a botch job. I mean most people, especially girls, try to commit suicide with the aim of just that - trying. they want it to be seen as a cry for help, so that ppl realise that there is a problem - they don't really want to die. that's why they use weak-ass methods like slitting their wrists or taking overdoses or even jumping off builidngs which are just way too short. I mean, they can't even slit their wrists the rite way - u have to cut along the length of the vein, longitudunally rather than across it, and it helps if u do it in the bath as this slows the blood clotting. Lights off is also better so that u don't realise how gory it all is.
when i kill myself, i'm going to do it properly - i'll either jump off a building or hang myself. it would actually be easiest for me to jump onto the train tracks (cos i catch the train twice everyday), but that's slack to other commuters cos it would cause delays and also i wouldn't want anyone to have to scrape my flesh off the tracks. i gotta find a site which can teach me the hangman's noose - there used to be a book of knots at my high school which had several variations of it, but i couldn't borrow it cos it was too obvious. i actually think that jumping would be really fun (at least for the few seconds before u hit the ground), but i'm not sure how high the building needs to be. there used to be a really indepth site which told u how far the jump had to be according to ur bodyweight, but i think its been shut down, which is a pity. it was a very useful site.
my sister told m today that the best revenge u could ever inflict on sumone was to commit suicide and write a horrendous note blaming everything on one person. imagine how bad they'd feel. payback's a bitch, mate. ah, i can imagine it now... i've been composing a suicide note in my head for the past few weeks. but then again, i also find them quite tacky. i'm not sure if i will write one or not.
Saturday, September 20, 2003
I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you...
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze...
'Cause I've found god - yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm so lonely but that's okay I shaved my head...
And I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard...
But I'm not sure
I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there...
But I don't care
I'm so horny but that's okay...
My will is good - yeah, yeah, yeah
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I kill you - I'm not gonna crack
~ 'Lithium', Nirvana
I've found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you...
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze...
'Cause I've found god - yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm so lonely but that's okay I shaved my head...
And I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard...
But I'm not sure
I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there...
But I don't care
I'm so horny but that's okay...
My will is good - yeah, yeah, yeah
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I kill you - I'm not gonna crack
~ 'Lithium', Nirvana
hello again...haven't been here for a while
be prepared for another self obsessed whinge about yours truly
i guess i thought things were looking up, but now i realise that, sadly everything is just as it was before. nothing has changed and even if i try my hardest, in the end i am stuck being who i am. i may hate that person, but its all i've got.
i found out yesterday that i'm rude. supposedly i offended one of my friends very badly and i think i reinforced this mistake today. it happened by accident, and now, looking back, i'm ashamed, really, about what i said.
it all began when at lunch. this guy campaigning for crap came up to uswith the usual spiel about src blah blah blah. i should have been pleasantly surprised, cos usually ppl take one look at my brick wall of a face and run like hell to avoid me, so i don't usually get this sort of thing. anyway i was in a real shit of a mood and i wanted to blurt out my feelings to my friend, whose been pretty understanding in the past. so this guy is blabbling on, and i can tell all he really wants is for us to agree to vote for him and take one of his fliers. so in the middle of his speech i go 'look, just hand over a flier, i promise i'll vote for you'. and (according to my friend) he gets this shocked look on his face and walks off. now in my mind, i was just happy i had gotten rid of sum annoying guy. (anyway, i knew i couldn't vote for him cos one of my other friends was running against him.) but this friend here gets into a real funk about how rude i was and that she mite have wanted to vote for him, blah blah blah. and she looked at me in a completely new light - the look on her face was even more shocked than when i told her i often wish random strangers on the street next to me were dead - and envisioned them with nooses around their necks.
i don't know, it seems now that i offend even ppl who r supposedly my friends. maybe i shouldn't talk to ppl.
its weird tho, cos i still think that she's very perceptive and i find talking to her quite enlightening. i was complaining to her of my inability to talk to the ppl who give me a lift to c----- every week. i dunno whether or not its sum inferiority complex or sumthing, but i just can't participate in their conversation. i tried especially hard today, and still i couldn't. i mean they're lovely girls, seriously, nice and funny and really easy to get along with (one of them may even be deemed popular!). my friend at lunch (MFL)was so shocked, cos she adores one of the girls in the car (lets call her V). i shall directly quote MFL on V: 'V is lovely, she's so nice and sweet, and she's so luverly! and her hair is so beautiful. i think she's one of those intelligent sensistive yet really cool people! and her hair!' followed by little shrieks of delight.
now while i find that sort of enthusiasm a little unnatural, at the same time, i know that there isn't a single soul in the world (not even my own mother) who has ever made a statement like that about me. i know, jealous much.
yeah, well MFL really picked up on sumthing that i was never willing to admit to myself. one of the girls in my car (lets call her F) came from the same high school as me. so here we are in vet together, connected by this annoying past high school aquaintance. now F was never one of my close friends in high school, but sumhow we got lumped together at uni. Now MFL's theory is that F is better at socialising and talking to people than i am, and that as a result i am jealous of her, which culminates in my inability to converse with those i deem to be her friends. the scary thing is that i think she's pretty much hit the nail on the head here. cos i am jealous of F. she apparently has it all - a close group of friends (outside of uni) whom she regularly meets up with, a boyfriend, a car, a high paying job. i have none of these and colour me stupid if i'm not allowed to be at least a little envious. and it would be so much damn easier if only she was more of a bitch to me. but she isn't. i'm the bitch.
i swear, i've been thru these cycles with every close friend i've had, and it never leads down a good path.
ah well.
what can you do?
nothing i suppose.
i've just read 'prozac nation' by elizabeth wurtzel - best damn book i've read in months. has also taught me that zoloft is an anti-depressant. which, since i work at a pharmacy, i find interesting...
if only.
be prepared for another self obsessed whinge about yours truly
i guess i thought things were looking up, but now i realise that, sadly everything is just as it was before. nothing has changed and even if i try my hardest, in the end i am stuck being who i am. i may hate that person, but its all i've got.
i found out yesterday that i'm rude. supposedly i offended one of my friends very badly and i think i reinforced this mistake today. it happened by accident, and now, looking back, i'm ashamed, really, about what i said.
it all began when at lunch. this guy campaigning for crap came up to uswith the usual spiel about src blah blah blah. i should have been pleasantly surprised, cos usually ppl take one look at my brick wall of a face and run like hell to avoid me, so i don't usually get this sort of thing. anyway i was in a real shit of a mood and i wanted to blurt out my feelings to my friend, whose been pretty understanding in the past. so this guy is blabbling on, and i can tell all he really wants is for us to agree to vote for him and take one of his fliers. so in the middle of his speech i go 'look, just hand over a flier, i promise i'll vote for you'. and (according to my friend) he gets this shocked look on his face and walks off. now in my mind, i was just happy i had gotten rid of sum annoying guy. (anyway, i knew i couldn't vote for him cos one of my other friends was running against him.) but this friend here gets into a real funk about how rude i was and that she mite have wanted to vote for him, blah blah blah. and she looked at me in a completely new light - the look on her face was even more shocked than when i told her i often wish random strangers on the street next to me were dead - and envisioned them with nooses around their necks.
i don't know, it seems now that i offend even ppl who r supposedly my friends. maybe i shouldn't talk to ppl.
its weird tho, cos i still think that she's very perceptive and i find talking to her quite enlightening. i was complaining to her of my inability to talk to the ppl who give me a lift to c----- every week. i dunno whether or not its sum inferiority complex or sumthing, but i just can't participate in their conversation. i tried especially hard today, and still i couldn't. i mean they're lovely girls, seriously, nice and funny and really easy to get along with (one of them may even be deemed popular!). my friend at lunch (MFL)was so shocked, cos she adores one of the girls in the car (lets call her V). i shall directly quote MFL on V: 'V is lovely, she's so nice and sweet, and she's so luverly! and her hair is so beautiful. i think she's one of those intelligent sensistive yet really cool people! and her hair!' followed by little shrieks of delight.
now while i find that sort of enthusiasm a little unnatural, at the same time, i know that there isn't a single soul in the world (not even my own mother) who has ever made a statement like that about me. i know, jealous much.
yeah, well MFL really picked up on sumthing that i was never willing to admit to myself. one of the girls in my car (lets call her F) came from the same high school as me. so here we are in vet together, connected by this annoying past high school aquaintance. now F was never one of my close friends in high school, but sumhow we got lumped together at uni. Now MFL's theory is that F is better at socialising and talking to people than i am, and that as a result i am jealous of her, which culminates in my inability to converse with those i deem to be her friends. the scary thing is that i think she's pretty much hit the nail on the head here. cos i am jealous of F. she apparently has it all - a close group of friends (outside of uni) whom she regularly meets up with, a boyfriend, a car, a high paying job. i have none of these and colour me stupid if i'm not allowed to be at least a little envious. and it would be so much damn easier if only she was more of a bitch to me. but she isn't. i'm the bitch.
i swear, i've been thru these cycles with every close friend i've had, and it never leads down a good path.
ah well.
what can you do?
nothing i suppose.
i've just read 'prozac nation' by elizabeth wurtzel - best damn book i've read in months. has also taught me that zoloft is an anti-depressant. which, since i work at a pharmacy, i find interesting...
if only.
