Friday, November 28, 2003
for once in my life i can't sleep - usually i'm like a log. the past few days i've been having 16hrs of sleep a day, or something insane like that (i may be exaggerating a little). i can't quite seem to get back into my normal routine, having stayed awake until 6:30am last tuesday (technically wednesday). ever since then, my sleeping patterns have been somewhat screwed.
i was meant to go out tonite. i was very proud of myself - it took me a lot of guts to arrange it (i was going out with people with whom i don't normally associate and it had primarily been my suggestion). then at the last minute i backed out. i wouldn't have really (backed out i mean) - i placed the fate of the night in one of my friend's hands. basically i became ambivalent about going out, hoping that he would encourage me...instead he sounded outright relieved. as a result i spent the night at home watching stupid abc comedies and sleeping at the insane time of 10. which i guess is why i can't sleep now.
i don't exactly know why i had the sudden change of heart - i had been looking forwarrd to tonite for a whole week and i was pretty amazed that i actually took the initiative for once. i guess its cos the last few experiences i've had with alcohol haven't been that great. i don't mean that i've thrown up or anything - rather that it makes me feel even worse than i do normally. i thought you were meant to drown ur sorrows with alcohol, but its had the opposite effect on me. the last time i went out drinking, by the end of the night i felt even worse than when i was sober. then again, i remember learning in pe that alcohol was a depressant.
i thought that alcohol made it easier for me to talk to people, to dance, to do all the things which other people seem to find effortless. but nope, didn't work. i mean, isn't alcohol meant ot make u lose ur inhibitions? cos they were still firmly in place by the end of the pub crawl last wednesday and i had had at least one drink in every pub we went to - which would be about 10.
its weird. the first experience i had, going out and getting pissed was so good (i somehow managed to pick up a guy?!) that i think the idea that drinking is a good thing has been planted firmly into my stupid little brain. but no subsequent encounter with alcohol has managed to match that euphoric first time. its like chasing after a dream. instead i've had many nights where i feel just as awkward and uncomfortable and socially inept as ever, if not more so.
so now i'm sitting here wondering if tonite i made the right choice. would i be happier right now if i were in a dark crowded bar filled with the stench of stale alcohol and smoke, or is it better that i am typing this unhappy blog into my laptop, after tossing and turning fitfully trying to sleep for the last three hours? who knows? who cares? no one but me, i'm afraid.
i was meant to go out tonite. i was very proud of myself - it took me a lot of guts to arrange it (i was going out with people with whom i don't normally associate and it had primarily been my suggestion). then at the last minute i backed out. i wouldn't have really (backed out i mean) - i placed the fate of the night in one of my friend's hands. basically i became ambivalent about going out, hoping that he would encourage me...instead he sounded outright relieved. as a result i spent the night at home watching stupid abc comedies and sleeping at the insane time of 10. which i guess is why i can't sleep now.
i don't exactly know why i had the sudden change of heart - i had been looking forwarrd to tonite for a whole week and i was pretty amazed that i actually took the initiative for once. i guess its cos the last few experiences i've had with alcohol haven't been that great. i don't mean that i've thrown up or anything - rather that it makes me feel even worse than i do normally. i thought you were meant to drown ur sorrows with alcohol, but its had the opposite effect on me. the last time i went out drinking, by the end of the night i felt even worse than when i was sober. then again, i remember learning in pe that alcohol was a depressant.
i thought that alcohol made it easier for me to talk to people, to dance, to do all the things which other people seem to find effortless. but nope, didn't work. i mean, isn't alcohol meant ot make u lose ur inhibitions? cos they were still firmly in place by the end of the pub crawl last wednesday and i had had at least one drink in every pub we went to - which would be about 10.
its weird. the first experience i had, going out and getting pissed was so good (i somehow managed to pick up a guy?!) that i think the idea that drinking is a good thing has been planted firmly into my stupid little brain. but no subsequent encounter with alcohol has managed to match that euphoric first time. its like chasing after a dream. instead i've had many nights where i feel just as awkward and uncomfortable and socially inept as ever, if not more so.
so now i'm sitting here wondering if tonite i made the right choice. would i be happier right now if i were in a dark crowded bar filled with the stench of stale alcohol and smoke, or is it better that i am typing this unhappy blog into my laptop, after tossing and turning fitfully trying to sleep for the last three hours? who knows? who cares? no one but me, i'm afraid.
Saturday, November 22, 2003
i'm not in the mood to be original - so i'll use other people's inspired quotes to express my feelings instead.
"Kill a man, and you are an assassin. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone, and you are a god."
- Jean Rostand
"Hell is other people."
- Jean-Paul Sarte
Ros: "Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one, a moment, in childhood when it first occurred to you that you don't go on forever. It must have been shattering — stamped into one's memory. And yet I can't remember it. It never occurred to me at all. What does one make of that? We must be born with an intutuion of mortality. Before we know the words for it, before we know that there are words, out we come, bloodied and squalling with the knowledge that for all the points of the compass, there is only one direction, and time is its only measure."
- Tom Stoppard from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
Guil: "You've got it all wrong... you can't act death. The fact of it is nothing to do with seeing it happen — it's not gasps and blood and falling about — that isn't what makes it death. It's just a man failing to reappear, that's all — now you see him, now you don't, that's the only thing that's real: here one minute and gone the next and never coming back — an exit, unobtrusive and unannounced, a disappearance gathering weight as it goes on, until, finally, it is heavy with death."
- Tom Stoppard from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
"Life is wasted on the living."
- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
"The whole of life is but keeping away the thoughts of death."
- Samuel Johnson
"Dying is easy, it's living that scares me to death."
- Annie Lennox
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."
- Douglas Adams
"Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty five years and you pay it back and then one day you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then one day you step off a curb at Sixty seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe."
- Denis Leary
i think the point i am trying to get across to you, dear reader, is that while for at least the last three years i have ofetn contemplated suicide, this is the first time that i believe i am actually going to do it. And it feels good to know that i'm finally doing something. i've always despised myself for not having the guts, but something is different this time. What was normally an intense passionate feeling of failure which would disappear after a good cry in bed has been replaced with something less intense, but more lasting - it's more or a lingering sense of gloom. at first i was really quite scared: why was my reaction so different this time? what happened to my tried and tested routine? maybe it was the copious amounts of alcohol i ingested immediately following my exams, or perhaps it is that this time i know that i have really well and truly Fucked Up. i haven't tried my hardest, and what little effort i have put in has been too little too late. so this sense of morbid resignation has settled in. i only wish i knew precisely what date my marks were coming out - then i could prepare properly. as it is, i have to guestimate - that in approximalety 3 weeks, dear diary, yours truly will be gone, and all that will remain of me will be, well this i guess. sad isn't it?
"Kill a man, and you are an assassin. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone, and you are a god."
- Jean Rostand
"Hell is other people."
- Jean-Paul Sarte
Ros: "Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one, a moment, in childhood when it first occurred to you that you don't go on forever. It must have been shattering — stamped into one's memory. And yet I can't remember it. It never occurred to me at all. What does one make of that? We must be born with an intutuion of mortality. Before we know the words for it, before we know that there are words, out we come, bloodied and squalling with the knowledge that for all the points of the compass, there is only one direction, and time is its only measure."
- Tom Stoppard from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
Guil: "You've got it all wrong... you can't act death. The fact of it is nothing to do with seeing it happen — it's not gasps and blood and falling about — that isn't what makes it death. It's just a man failing to reappear, that's all — now you see him, now you don't, that's the only thing that's real: here one minute and gone the next and never coming back — an exit, unobtrusive and unannounced, a disappearance gathering weight as it goes on, until, finally, it is heavy with death."
- Tom Stoppard from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
"Life is wasted on the living."
- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
"The whole of life is but keeping away the thoughts of death."
- Samuel Johnson
"Dying is easy, it's living that scares me to death."
- Annie Lennox
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."
- Douglas Adams
"Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty five years and you pay it back and then one day you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then one day you step off a curb at Sixty seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe."
- Denis Leary
i think the point i am trying to get across to you, dear reader, is that while for at least the last three years i have ofetn contemplated suicide, this is the first time that i believe i am actually going to do it. And it feels good to know that i'm finally doing something. i've always despised myself for not having the guts, but something is different this time. What was normally an intense passionate feeling of failure which would disappear after a good cry in bed has been replaced with something less intense, but more lasting - it's more or a lingering sense of gloom. at first i was really quite scared: why was my reaction so different this time? what happened to my tried and tested routine? maybe it was the copious amounts of alcohol i ingested immediately following my exams, or perhaps it is that this time i know that i have really well and truly Fucked Up. i haven't tried my hardest, and what little effort i have put in has been too little too late. so this sense of morbid resignation has settled in. i only wish i knew precisely what date my marks were coming out - then i could prepare properly. as it is, i have to guestimate - that in approximalety 3 weeks, dear diary, yours truly will be gone, and all that will remain of me will be, well this i guess. sad isn't it?
Thursday, November 20, 2003
Monday, November 10, 2003
haven't been here lately - i'm taking that as a good sign. but be warned, i'm sure to return on the next few weeks... i can feel it coming on.
right now i have exams, so i'm busy cramming my head with far too many useless facts which i have to regurgitate during the next few days.
thus continues the monotony of my life. i'm severely sleep deprived right now and completely sick of exams; my brain is in a state of shock so i will stop complaining and sleep.
right now i have exams, so i'm busy cramming my head with far too many useless facts which i have to regurgitate during the next few days.
thus continues the monotony of my life. i'm severely sleep deprived right now and completely sick of exams; my brain is in a state of shock so i will stop complaining and sleep.
