Thursday, February 26, 2004
haven't touched this in a while - not that i haven't needed to, i just forget that i started this. yep, thats me, always making fresh starts, turning over new leaves blah blah... i just never go thru with it. for example, last week decided to start cooking. borrowed heaps of cook books and jamie oliver videos, not to mention every herb plant there is. went ok for the first few days... even managed to produce a chocolate cake which rose and then quickly sunk. anyways point is that today i'm back to eating toast and boil in the bag stuff as usual. today i decided i should exercise for half an hour everyday. hmmm we'll see how long that lasts.
lets see, the only thing of note that has happened to me in the past few weeks is that one thursday i went out for a very belated b'day celebration, got completely drunk and then proceeded to tell a friend (lets call her KB) that i hated her boyfriend, disapproved of him and had heard he was trying to pick up another girl. now, i had gotten this information 1 month prior from a mutual friend (GAI) of myself and her boyfriend (lets call him G). ok, GAI told me this in a joking manner and trusting me as a friend, expected me not to go telling KB. and the stupid drunken idiot that i am goes and spills this all to KB. result? distressed phone call from KB whilst nursing hangover the following day, pleading for me to find out all the details. because i have never been in a relationship before (i wonder why?) i forgot the deep seated paranoia that comes hand in hand with true love. at first i refused - decided i had interfered with them enough. then i felt bad and so agreed to talk to GAI. told GAI what i had done. result? GAI paranoid that G will find out that he told me. i find G a scary person and i would not want to be on his wrong side, although i probably already am by now. anyway next day GAI phones me saying that G has some problems and is avoiding him. he thinks G knows and is pissed off. well haven't i managed to fuck everybody up? congratulations to me. what a job well done.
and all over a bloody joke. there was never any real threat to the relationship. while KB and G were on a break, he jokingly asks for GAI's friends number. big deal.
the most evil thing is that sometimes i think i told KB on purpose even though i knew it wasn't a real threat to her relationship, even though it had happened months ago. i mean if i had been the true friend i would have told her straight away. but no, my evil brain stored away the info to use at a time when i could muck things up the best possible time for me. and being drunk is not an excuse for my indescretion cos i know for a fact that my brain made a conscious decision to tell her. i'm pretty sure it was pure jealousy - why was she happily with someone and i not? (no, my brain did not provide the correct answer to that question, namely that i'm an evil conniving bitch and she isn't). instead it told me that here was a chance to wreck things for her so that she too could experience the joys of being unwanted and unloved and alone.
so yes, while i haven't gone into exact details, you can see how i've screwed up badly here. i don't know what to do. haven't talked to GAI at all since and KB phoned once to ask if she could borrow a map for her holiday with G. the conversation was, as usual: short, sweet and awkward. and i confess i was delighted when it rained all week of their precious holiday...mwuhhhahaha.
so i don't know whats gonna happen when uni starts again and i have to see KB everday and also G more often than not. i try to tell myself that i don't care and they can all get fucked by a cow cos i don't need them as friends, but the truth is that i'm scared. i don't have many friends in my course at uni and if i lose one, i may very well lose them all. i guess we shall see. i feel like a prisoner waiting with a noose around his neck for the trapdoor to open.
and so here i am, plagued by this weird kind of insomnia. i find myself not being able to sleep before 3am, and then of course i wake up at 12. my days are filled with mindless crap on the net. i barely talk to other people, i've lost my appetite, i'm perpetually in a bad mood, so i'm rude and mean and drive like a suicidal maniac. which maybe i am.
but i've talked about suicide before, too many times to count and i'm a coward - too scared to do anything, even od on panadol. i am such a wimp.
god, i can't believe the person i've become. if u showed me a glimpse of myself now, to my 12yr old self, i wouldn't believe i'd turn out how i am. what a difference 7 yrs makes. when ur 12, u still believe that after the crazy rollercoaster of puberty, u'll somehow end up looking ok. u believe that somehow u'll find someone to love who loves u. u believe u'll find a bunch of friends who u just click with - friends for life. u believe that u'll get married and have children and live happily ever after. little girls don't say 'if i get married' - it's 'when i get married'. u never question the fact that these things will happen. until 7 years later when they don't.
i swear, tv, movies and barbies screw with ur mind.
lets see, the only thing of note that has happened to me in the past few weeks is that one thursday i went out for a very belated b'day celebration, got completely drunk and then proceeded to tell a friend (lets call her KB) that i hated her boyfriend, disapproved of him and had heard he was trying to pick up another girl. now, i had gotten this information 1 month prior from a mutual friend (GAI) of myself and her boyfriend (lets call him G). ok, GAI told me this in a joking manner and trusting me as a friend, expected me not to go telling KB. and the stupid drunken idiot that i am goes and spills this all to KB. result? distressed phone call from KB whilst nursing hangover the following day, pleading for me to find out all the details. because i have never been in a relationship before (i wonder why?) i forgot the deep seated paranoia that comes hand in hand with true love. at first i refused - decided i had interfered with them enough. then i felt bad and so agreed to talk to GAI. told GAI what i had done. result? GAI paranoid that G will find out that he told me. i find G a scary person and i would not want to be on his wrong side, although i probably already am by now. anyway next day GAI phones me saying that G has some problems and is avoiding him. he thinks G knows and is pissed off. well haven't i managed to fuck everybody up? congratulations to me. what a job well done.
and all over a bloody joke. there was never any real threat to the relationship. while KB and G were on a break, he jokingly asks for GAI's friends number. big deal.
the most evil thing is that sometimes i think i told KB on purpose even though i knew it wasn't a real threat to her relationship, even though it had happened months ago. i mean if i had been the true friend i would have told her straight away. but no, my evil brain stored away the info to use at a time when i could muck things up the best possible time for me. and being drunk is not an excuse for my indescretion cos i know for a fact that my brain made a conscious decision to tell her. i'm pretty sure it was pure jealousy - why was she happily with someone and i not? (no, my brain did not provide the correct answer to that question, namely that i'm an evil conniving bitch and she isn't). instead it told me that here was a chance to wreck things for her so that she too could experience the joys of being unwanted and unloved and alone.
so yes, while i haven't gone into exact details, you can see how i've screwed up badly here. i don't know what to do. haven't talked to GAI at all since and KB phoned once to ask if she could borrow a map for her holiday with G. the conversation was, as usual: short, sweet and awkward. and i confess i was delighted when it rained all week of their precious holiday...mwuhhhahaha.
so i don't know whats gonna happen when uni starts again and i have to see KB everday and also G more often than not. i try to tell myself that i don't care and they can all get fucked by a cow cos i don't need them as friends, but the truth is that i'm scared. i don't have many friends in my course at uni and if i lose one, i may very well lose them all. i guess we shall see. i feel like a prisoner waiting with a noose around his neck for the trapdoor to open.
and so here i am, plagued by this weird kind of insomnia. i find myself not being able to sleep before 3am, and then of course i wake up at 12. my days are filled with mindless crap on the net. i barely talk to other people, i've lost my appetite, i'm perpetually in a bad mood, so i'm rude and mean and drive like a suicidal maniac. which maybe i am.
but i've talked about suicide before, too many times to count and i'm a coward - too scared to do anything, even od on panadol. i am such a wimp.
god, i can't believe the person i've become. if u showed me a glimpse of myself now, to my 12yr old self, i wouldn't believe i'd turn out how i am. what a difference 7 yrs makes. when ur 12, u still believe that after the crazy rollercoaster of puberty, u'll somehow end up looking ok. u believe that somehow u'll find someone to love who loves u. u believe u'll find a bunch of friends who u just click with - friends for life. u believe that u'll get married and have children and live happily ever after. little girls don't say 'if i get married' - it's 'when i get married'. u never question the fact that these things will happen. until 7 years later when they don't.
i swear, tv, movies and barbies screw with ur mind.
