Wednesday, August 17, 2005
I don't know what is wrong with me - its like my mind is permanently in the glass half empty state. I always feel there's something wrong with me, I can't think of a better word to describe it. I just feel Wrong. Its like everyone else in the world has their own life which they have to worry about - all these personal problems, blah blah and yet I have nothing. I have no life. I don't Do anything, I don't talk to anyone, and the few people I do talk to think I'm boring, stupid, weird... Sometimes I feel such hatred for those who are meant to be my closest friends and I wonder why. May be its because in my conversations with these people I feel that every comment they make is simply emphasising my lack of a life. I feel so inadequate, like they're mocking me with their perfect lives. I know I'm probably hypersensitive, but there are times when I'm at uni when I am so ready to break down and cry, it's scary. I feel like I don't even know them that well. Its like I've had an extended 3yr long small talk chit chat with them. The closest I come to telling them my true opinions is when I'm drunk and that doesn't happen too often cos no one wants to go out drinking with me. And I get suicidal when I drink.
You probably think I should just drown in my own self pity, boo hoo, everyone has their own demons. That's true. But I need this outlet, and if whingeing to a non-existent audience through this medium clears my head and prevents me from slitting my wrists in the tub for one more day, then I'm glad I'm doing this.
I was asked to write a 21st speech for a friend recently and I can't think of a single decent thing to say. What does that imply about our friendship. I've known her for 8yrs. It's worrying. I'm not having a 21st because I would have less than 20 people to invite - I don't have many/any friends. On the subject of 21sts, I haven't even been to one this year, but I keep lying and saying I have cos everyone else has. I haven't a clue what they're like. And I'm not a very good liar. I hate myself and I wish I was someone else.
Sometimes I wish I was sick, dying, ill with an incurable disease. Surely that's not a normal thought?
You probably think I should just drown in my own self pity, boo hoo, everyone has their own demons. That's true. But I need this outlet, and if whingeing to a non-existent audience through this medium clears my head and prevents me from slitting my wrists in the tub for one more day, then I'm glad I'm doing this.
I was asked to write a 21st speech for a friend recently and I can't think of a single decent thing to say. What does that imply about our friendship. I've known her for 8yrs. It's worrying. I'm not having a 21st because I would have less than 20 people to invite - I don't have many/any friends. On the subject of 21sts, I haven't even been to one this year, but I keep lying and saying I have cos everyone else has. I haven't a clue what they're like. And I'm not a very good liar. I hate myself and I wish I was someone else.
Sometimes I wish I was sick, dying, ill with an incurable disease. Surely that's not a normal thought?
