poor normie

I don't know what is wrong with me - its like my mind is permanently in the glass half empty state. I always feel there's something wrong with me, I can't think of a better word to describe it. I just feel Wrong. Its like everyone else in the world has their own life which they have to worry about - all these personal problems, blah blah and yet I have nothing. I have no life. I don't Do anything, I don't talk to anyone, and the few people I do talk to think I'm boring, stupid, weird... Sometimes I feel such hatred for those who are meant to be my closest friends and I wonder why. May be its because in my conversations with these people I feel that every comment they make is simply emphasising my lack of a life. I feel so inadequate, like they're mocking me with their perfect lives. I know I'm probably hypersensitive, but there are times when I'm at uni when I am so ready to break down and cry, it's scary. I feel like I don't even know them that well. Its like I've had an extended 3yr long small talk chit chat with them. The closest I come to telling them my true opinions is when I'm drunk and that doesn't happen too often cos no one wants to go out drinking with me. And I get suicidal when I drink.

You probably think I should just drown in my own self pity, boo hoo, everyone has their own demons. That's true. But I need this outlet, and if whingeing to a non-existent audience through this medium clears my head and prevents me from slitting my wrists in the tub for one more day, then I'm glad I'm doing this.

I was asked to write a 21st speech for a friend recently and I can't think of a single decent thing to say. What does that imply about our friendship. I've known her for 8yrs. It's worrying. I'm not having a 21st because I would have less than 20 people to invite - I don't have many/any friends. On the subject of 21sts, I haven't even been to one this year, but I keep lying and saying I have cos everyone else has. I haven't a clue what they're like. And I'm not a very good liar. I hate myself and I wish I was someone else.

Sometimes I wish I was sick, dying, ill with an incurable disease. Surely that's not a normal thought?

hello again gentle reader! today was my first day back at uni after a too short 3 wk holiday which wasn't really a holiday but an extended exploration into some of the less explored country towns of nsw. all i could think about duing uni today were horrible horrible things of which i will spare you the monotony and discomfort of hearing. are other people generally happy? or does everyone walk around in a state of discontent? i would love to know. cos if everyone feels shit at least i would know thats normal. the problem is when books, tv, movies and advertising start shooting crap and then you start expecting more, which is of course, unrealistic. i don't know if this is making sense.

went to the gym today, which was good. i've found the secret to forcing myself to go. a) remember how they are ripping me off (2months before my contract's over yay!) b) think of something that makes me angry (of which there is no shortage of) and exercise through the anger. ahhh the gym - good for mind, body and soul...

forced myself to talk to diff people today. wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. and i'm happy i did. got stuck with a pretty shirty group for group work, which will make up our major assessment for this semester. oh well, can't win em all i guess. still makes me pretty mad though.

sometimes i think i'm hypersensitive. or maybe i just have a really good memory. like i can remember whole conversations from years ago, if they relate to anything insulting towards me (even said in jest). must be the ultimate form of vanity, self absorption and pride. sometimes i disgust myself. actually often. today my friends and i had lunch and played this game where we 'won' if we ordered the nicest dish. i lost. and i got pissed off about it. what is wrong with me? am i in the third grade?

found the best site though. its these secrets which are on postcards, send anonymously by real ppl. some of the secrets are exactly the same as my own. nice to know that other ppl are going through the same shit (although they can at least express themselves in a more artistic and eloquent manner than myself).

need sleep.

Rhould really be studying but am still in procrastination phase. Have pretty much wasted the entire day although i did go to training for my new job. Right now i just wish i was someone else, anyone else. I'm completely sick of my life. The terrible thing is that i have absolutely no right to. I mean, sure exams suck, but other than that, my family isn't going through a major crisis, noone i know is dying, i'm not dying, hell i'm going on holiday in january. Maybe its cos i have no friends and out of the few that i have, i'm probably gunna lose one next year. its pathetic. i'm pathetic... i guess i'm just not a very social person. i should just crawl under a rock and die. honestly, the annoying thing is that i don't enjoy my own company and i guess noone else does either. not that i blame them.

i guess at least i realise that people don't like me. it really pains me to see people try so hard to fit in where they're not wanted. that is something of which i am well aware of. there's nothing worse than coming off as desparate. dignity people please.

ok. now i will go and try to fill my head with the intricacies of monotremes and reptiles though i would much prefer to watch LOTR. i'm so sad, its not funny.

can't sleep again though i really should cos i have to start cramming tmr as well as work. god i haven't touched this thing for such a long time, everything's changed. everything except me that is. i look back at the last six years of my life and see absolutely no discernible difference. apart from the fact that i'm now 19 and in uni, my life has remained the same monotonous piece of shit that it always was. or is that just a side effect of not having a life to speak of per se? i honestly don't know. there's something wrong with me. i can't socialise like a normal person. hell even the fact that i have to think about socialising makes me weirder than normal people. its like that story about the centipede which used to dance really beautifully, even though she had 100 legs. and then there's the turtle or some other evil creature who is jealous of the centipede's dancing and starts asking the centipede which leg exactly she lifts first, and whether she moves her 99th leg before her 45th. stuff like that. so when the centipede starts analysing her own dancing, she loses all pleasure and spontaneity from dancing and never dances again. that's me, except i am my own turtle which is even worse. sometimes i think to myself, why make life so hard for yourself. you used to be fine, happy, able to talk to anyone - can't you just revert back? the scary thing is that i can't. i've been acting this way for such a long time now that its become a part of me, and even if it started off as an act, now its really just me. i wish i was a strong enough person to end it all. but i'm weak and pathetic, so there isn't any likelihood of that happening. so don't worry gentle reader (hah! why don't i just scream into a void... same number of people are listening. man the closest i've come is half a bottle of whisky and some asprin - as if that would do anything.actually, two week ago i almost jumped off home bar. don't really wanna recall it but KB had made some arrangements, ironically through G to get into home. i hated it. full of electronica inhouse shit. not my cup of tea. as a result i stood on the balcony looking down into darling harbour wishing i had the guts to jump off the wall into oblivion. ok, fine, more like australian idol wannabes who were already lining up. and i thought i had no life. didn't help when G comes up to me and kindly reminds me that it costs 25 bucks to get into the shithole and tonnes of ppl would die to get in for free. what does he expect? my eternal gratitude? yes, another night of failed alcoholic bingeing. there's got to be something wrong with me chemically or maybe my brain's wired wrong. why doesn't alcohol make me happy???????

haven't touched this in a while - not that i haven't needed to, i just forget that i started this. yep, thats me, always making fresh starts, turning over new leaves blah blah... i just never go thru with it. for example, last week decided to start cooking. borrowed heaps of cook books and jamie oliver videos, not to mention every herb plant there is. went ok for the first few days... even managed to produce a chocolate cake which rose and then quickly sunk. anyways point is that today i'm back to eating toast and boil in the bag stuff as usual. today i decided i should exercise for half an hour everyday. hmmm we'll see how long that lasts.

lets see, the only thing of note that has happened to me in the past few weeks is that one thursday i went out for a very belated b'day celebration, got completely drunk and then proceeded to tell a friend (lets call her KB) that i hated her boyfriend, disapproved of him and had heard he was trying to pick up another girl. now, i had gotten this information 1 month prior from a mutual friend (GAI) of myself and her boyfriend (lets call him G). ok, GAI told me this in a joking manner and trusting me as a friend, expected me not to go telling KB. and the stupid drunken idiot that i am goes and spills this all to KB. result? distressed phone call from KB whilst nursing hangover the following day, pleading for me to find out all the details. because i have never been in a relationship before (i wonder why?) i forgot the deep seated paranoia that comes hand in hand with true love. at first i refused - decided i had interfered with them enough. then i felt bad and so agreed to talk to GAI. told GAI what i had done. result? GAI paranoid that G will find out that he told me. i find G a scary person and i would not want to be on his wrong side, although i probably already am by now. anyway next day GAI phones me saying that G has some problems and is avoiding him. he thinks G knows and is pissed off. well haven't i managed to fuck everybody up? congratulations to me. what a job well done.

and all over a bloody joke. there was never any real threat to the relationship. while KB and G were on a break, he jokingly asks for GAI's friends number. big deal.

the most evil thing is that sometimes i think i told KB on purpose even though i knew it wasn't a real threat to her relationship, even though it had happened months ago. i mean if i had been the true friend i would have told her straight away. but no, my evil brain stored away the info to use at a time when i could muck things up the best possible time for me. and being drunk is not an excuse for my indescretion cos i know for a fact that my brain made a conscious decision to tell her. i'm pretty sure it was pure jealousy - why was she happily with someone and i not? (no, my brain did not provide the correct answer to that question, namely that i'm an evil conniving bitch and she isn't). instead it told me that here was a chance to wreck things for her so that she too could experience the joys of being unwanted and unloved and alone.

so yes, while i haven't gone into exact details, you can see how i've screwed up badly here. i don't know what to do. haven't talked to GAI at all since and KB phoned once to ask if she could borrow a map for her holiday with G. the conversation was, as usual: short, sweet and awkward. and i confess i was delighted when it rained all week of their precious holiday...mwuhhhahaha.

so i don't know whats gonna happen when uni starts again and i have to see KB everday and also G more often than not. i try to tell myself that i don't care and they can all get fucked by a cow cos i don't need them as friends, but the truth is that i'm scared. i don't have many friends in my course at uni and if i lose one, i may very well lose them all. i guess we shall see. i feel like a prisoner waiting with a noose around his neck for the trapdoor to open.

and so here i am, plagued by this weird kind of insomnia. i find myself not being able to sleep before 3am, and then of course i wake up at 12. my days are filled with mindless crap on the net. i barely talk to other people, i've lost my appetite, i'm perpetually in a bad mood, so i'm rude and mean and drive like a suicidal maniac. which maybe i am.

but i've talked about suicide before, too many times to count and i'm a coward - too scared to do anything, even od on panadol. i am such a wimp.

god, i can't believe the person i've become. if u showed me a glimpse of myself now, to my 12yr old self, i wouldn't believe i'd turn out how i am. what a difference 7 yrs makes. when ur 12, u still believe that after the crazy rollercoaster of puberty, u'll somehow end up looking ok. u believe that somehow u'll find someone to love who loves u. u believe u'll find a bunch of friends who u just click with - friends for life. u believe that u'll get married and have children and live happily ever after. little girls don't say 'if i get married' - it's 'when i get married'. u never question the fact that these things will happen. until 7 years later when they don't.

i swear, tv, movies and barbies screw with ur mind.

for once in my life i can't sleep - usually i'm like a log. the past few days i've been having 16hrs of sleep a day, or something insane like that (i may be exaggerating a little). i can't quite seem to get back into my normal routine, having stayed awake until 6:30am last tuesday (technically wednesday). ever since then, my sleeping patterns have been somewhat screwed.

i was meant to go out tonite. i was very proud of myself - it took me a lot of guts to arrange it (i was going out with people with whom i don't normally associate and it had primarily been my suggestion). then at the last minute i backed out. i wouldn't have really (backed out i mean) - i placed the fate of the night in one of my friend's hands. basically i became ambivalent about going out, hoping that he would encourage me...instead he sounded outright relieved. as a result i spent the night at home watching stupid abc comedies and sleeping at the insane time of 10. which i guess is why i can't sleep now.

i don't exactly know why i had the sudden change of heart - i had been looking forwarrd to tonite for a whole week and i was pretty amazed that i actually took the initiative for once. i guess its cos the last few experiences i've had with alcohol haven't been that great. i don't mean that i've thrown up or anything - rather that it makes me feel even worse than i do normally. i thought you were meant to drown ur sorrows with alcohol, but its had the opposite effect on me. the last time i went out drinking, by the end of the night i felt even worse than when i was sober. then again, i remember learning in pe that alcohol was a depressant.

i thought that alcohol made it easier for me to talk to people, to dance, to do all the things which other people seem to find effortless. but nope, didn't work. i mean, isn't alcohol meant ot make u lose ur inhibitions? cos they were still firmly in place by the end of the pub crawl last wednesday and i had had at least one drink in every pub we went to - which would be about 10.

its weird. the first experience i had, going out and getting pissed was so good (i somehow managed to pick up a guy?!) that i think the idea that drinking is a good thing has been planted firmly into my stupid little brain. but no subsequent encounter with alcohol has managed to match that euphoric first time. its like chasing after a dream. instead i've had many nights where i feel just as awkward and uncomfortable and socially inept as ever, if not more so.

so now i'm sitting here wondering if tonite i made the right choice. would i be happier right now if i were in a dark crowded bar filled with the stench of stale alcohol and smoke, or is it better that i am typing this unhappy blog into my laptop, after tossing and turning fitfully trying to sleep for the last three hours? who knows? who cares? no one but me, i'm afraid.

i'm not in the mood to be original - so i'll use other people's inspired quotes to express my feelings instead.

"Kill a man, and you are an assassin. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone, and you are a god."
- Jean Rostand

"Hell is other people."
- Jean-Paul Sarte

Ros: "Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one, a moment, in childhood when it first occurred to you that you don't go on forever. It must have been shattering — stamped into one's memory. And yet I can't remember it. It never occurred to me at all. What does one make of that? We must be born with an intutuion of mortality. Before we know the words for it, before we know that there are words, out we come, bloodied and squalling with the knowledge that for all the points of the compass, there is only one direction, and time is its only measure."
- Tom Stoppard from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

Guil: "You've got it all wrong... you can't act death. The fact of it is nothing to do with seeing it happen — it's not gasps and blood and falling about — that isn't what makes it death. It's just a man failing to reappear, that's all — now you see him, now you don't, that's the only thing that's real: here one minute and gone the next and never coming back — an exit, unobtrusive and unannounced, a disappearance gathering weight as it goes on, until, finally, it is heavy with death."
- Tom Stoppard from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

"Life is wasted on the living."
- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV

"The whole of life is but keeping away the thoughts of death."
- Samuel Johnson

"Dying is easy, it's living that scares me to death."
- Annie Lennox

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."
- Douglas Adams

"Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty five years and you pay it back and then one day you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then one day you step off a curb at Sixty seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe."
- Denis Leary


i think the point i am trying to get across to you, dear reader, is that while for at least the last three years i have ofetn contemplated suicide, this is the first time that i believe i am actually going to do it. And it feels good to know that i'm finally doing something. i've always despised myself for not having the guts, but something is different this time. What was normally an intense passionate feeling of failure which would disappear after a good cry in bed has been replaced with something less intense, but more lasting - it's more or a lingering sense of gloom. at first i was really quite scared: why was my reaction so different this time? what happened to my tried and tested routine? maybe it was the copious amounts of alcohol i ingested immediately following my exams, or perhaps it is that this time i know that i have really well and truly Fucked Up. i haven't tried my hardest, and what little effort i have put in has been too little too late. so this sense of morbid resignation has settled in. i only wish i knew precisely what date my marks were coming out - then i could prepare properly. as it is, i have to guestimate - that in approximalety 3 weeks, dear diary, yours truly will be gone, and all that will remain of me will be, well this i guess. sad isn't it?